An Introduction

A simple hello will find you nipped at the bud. Buying green tea that's been over-chilled was something I thought we discussed. And when that strange bitterness settles on your coated tongue, it won't be me who gets off the bus late. 

How many times do we have to witness your unfair creminas. 

How many more sniffs will you pull before that lukewarm patty sends you over the edge. 

And if you stop at this length, it's only a matter of time before the tendon snaps. 

Lindsay Lohan and Anne Frank Catch Up After Years of not Seeing Each Other Since Camp Pt. 1

LL: Hey girl!!
AF: Hey Linds! It's been way too long. I haven't seen you since that time we touched ourselves together at camp.
LL: No way, I forgot about that. And that counselor caught us because it was during rest hour and she was always reading Flowers for Algernon alone in the bathroom.
AF: Oh my god that fucking counselor was such a bitch. After you left that year I peed in her shampoo. Do you remember Rikki? She put a plastic rat under her sheets too.
LL: What the fuck was her fucking name?
AF: No fucking clue girl, she was so annoying though.
LL: I remember every time I wanted to shower after lights out she'd come in the bathroom with a broom and just sweep the shower curtain. It made this noise like a fucking raccoon pissing on gravel.
AF: I remember that. Your OCD was totally nuts.
LL: Remember that rank cereal they used to make us eat when we would lose weight? Like FiberCore or something.
AF: I never ate that shit. Whenever they tried to weigh me I would start hysterically crying and say that my fucking mother used to weigh me before school and that she was dead now.
LL: I didn't know your mom died.
AF: She didn't, but she was a bitch anyway.
LL: Yeah I totally get that. I remember on parents weekend we would always be huffing hairspray at the performing arts center when they got there.
AF: I never wanted my parents to come. They always tried to buy me fucking sweatshirts.

Adirondack Original

Your icy blue 'stache makes Nepal look like a kitty city. Once, in the Andes, I told you that I wanted to lick your ear but what I really meant was that your mouth is a graveyard of original seltzer. Sometimes I want to scream loudly in your ear and tell you to change the goddamn litter box before Slut shits on the rug. Get back to me when you learn how to ride a bike.

Shut Up and Drive

A conversation with my trainer:

Dissociator: I'll show you a beluga whale.
Trainer: Would you please just get on the elliptical.
D: Did you know that an ellipse was an erotic image for the Incas? When an Inca man wanted to seduce his neighbor's wife he painted an ellipse on the small of his back and plastered his chest with hay.
T: Okay.
D: Are you looking for a ride to hell? Because I'll give you one. I'll take you straight to the gulags you peasant filth. But really, I know you think the food at Citi Field is overpriced. And you might be right.
T: The line at Shake Shack is always so long.
D: Why are you eating a hamburger fatty? You're supposed to make me an anorexic whore. Lead by example. Once I ran into Hitler's granddaughter and she told me that I was handsome.
T: I thought you were Jewish.
D: No I just enjoy whitefish salad. What's your excuse? I'm going to throw a dumbbell at your head if you don't get on your knees and draw an elephant on my hip flexor.
T: The dumbbells are in the other room.
D: How do you feel about female genital mutilation?
T: You don't have to get on the elliptical. Why don't we do some crunches?
D: I'll show you captain crunch. Once I filled a pool with rice krispies and shoved my friend Joe in. He had to eat his way out.
T: Get on the ground.
D: I'll get on your ground.
T: What does that mean.
D: It means buy me a milkshake or I'll sue you for copyright infringement.
T: What flavor?
D: Avocado.

Bathing in Windex

Let the ammonia seep into your clogged veins. If you like saying cunt then let it fly because at the end of the day a pork chop is a pork chop. And speaking of your Valium addiction, if you think I'm going to buy you a best buy gift card then you might as well invest in a Segway.

I'd be lying if I told you I was colorblind; If I were a dessert I would be a tart key lime pie. I'm not that innocent. My problem is this: when all there's left to do is polish the pirrhana your dad bought you on his "business trip" to Columbia, you might as well buy stock in a Chinese cigarette company.

To be a bonobo.

Checklist for Airports

1) If your driver isn't wearing orange spectacles then you're shit out of luck.

2) If the curbside check-in man asks why your eyes are rolling in the back of your head just say you're allergic to cilantro.

3) When that bitch tries to cut you in the check-in line tell her that her mother is so fat her patronus is a cake.

4) When the check-in bitch tells you you can't fly internationally without a passport just tell her your Uncle Herman fell off a cruise in Sylesia and cremations aren't the kind of thing that you can watch on Netflix.

5) When the security wench is obese say to her, "How dare you mar Jack LaLanne's memory by putting lard in your power juicer."

6) When the women behind the X-Ray tries to confiscate your Klonopin laugh and say, "If you and my brain chemistry battled to death I think you know who'd end up on the six o'clock news."

7) Duty free is for peasants unless you're planning on selling Lucky Strikes for a gross profit to the teenagers down the block.

8) Once you're on line for boarding, take a deep breath. Not only did you shop lift from Hudson News but you managed to clench your cheeks long enough to bypass security with your dead cousin's swiss army knife.

When the national guard comes calling you'll be halfway to Valhalla.

Ode to a Legal Pad

Why don't you tell me who George Bush is. I think he rode the line between nose bleeds and heartbreak for longer than Tolstoy was having an affair with his sister's psychotherapist. But who really knows these days. Because when the phone rings and your coffee is too strong the only thing left to do is exhale and thank god for Cinemax After Dark.

I fell asleep in the sun yesterday. I was on a yacht and had just finished a bushel of grapes when a feeling of pharmaceutical malaise overtook my limbs. A night of slap and shoot meant that my face was still red and my hand was trembling from setting off those fireworks. If you want a mouse why don't you set some traps?

If you want me to dress you in leather and tie you to a majestic pine just bring me a tuna melt.

If you want a memory you'll never forget just call Moviephone.

If you need something I can't give you.

If you want something I don't have.

There's always next year in Jerusalem.