A conversation with my trainer:
Dissociator: I'll show you a beluga whale.
Trainer: Would you please just get on the elliptical.
D: Did you know that an ellipse was an erotic image for the Incas? When an Inca man wanted to seduce his neighbor's wife he painted an ellipse on the small of his back and plastered his chest with hay.
T: Okay.
D: Are you looking for a ride to hell? Because I'll give you one. I'll take you straight to the gulags you peasant filth. But really, I know you think the food at Citi Field is overpriced. And you might be right.
T: The line at Shake Shack is always so long.
D: Why are you eating a hamburger fatty? You're supposed to make me an anorexic whore. Lead by example. Once I ran into Hitler's granddaughter and she told me that I was handsome.
T: I thought you were Jewish.
D: No I just enjoy whitefish salad. What's your excuse? I'm going to throw a dumbbell at your head if you don't get on your knees and draw an elephant on my hip flexor.
T: The dumbbells are in the other room.
D: How do you feel about female genital mutilation?
T: You don't have to get on the elliptical. Why don't we do some crunches?
D: I'll show you captain crunch. Once I filled a pool with rice krispies and shoved my friend Joe in. He had to eat his way out.
T: Get on the ground.
D: I'll get on your ground.
T: What does that mean.
D: It means buy me a milkshake or I'll sue you for copyright infringement.
T: What flavor?
D: Avocado.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Bathing in Windex
Let the ammonia seep into your clogged veins. If you like saying cunt then let it fly because at the end of the day a pork chop is a pork chop. And speaking of your Valium addiction, if you think I'm going to buy you a best buy gift card then you might as well invest in a Segway.
I'd be lying if I told you I was colorblind; If I were a dessert I would be a tart key lime pie. I'm not that innocent. My problem is this: when all there's left to do is polish the pirrhana your dad bought you on his "business trip" to Columbia, you might as well buy stock in a Chinese cigarette company.
To be a bonobo.
I'd be lying if I told you I was colorblind; If I were a dessert I would be a tart key lime pie. I'm not that innocent. My problem is this: when all there's left to do is polish the pirrhana your dad bought you on his "business trip" to Columbia, you might as well buy stock in a Chinese cigarette company.
To be a bonobo.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Checklist for Airports
1) If your driver isn't wearing orange spectacles then you're shit out of luck.
2) If the curbside check-in man asks why your eyes are rolling in the back of your head just say you're allergic to cilantro.
3) When that bitch tries to cut you in the check-in line tell her that her mother is so fat her patronus is a cake.
4) When the check-in bitch tells you you can't fly internationally without a passport just tell her your Uncle Herman fell off a cruise in Sylesia and cremations aren't the kind of thing that you can watch on Netflix.
5) When the security wench is obese say to her, "How dare you mar Jack LaLanne's memory by putting lard in your power juicer."
6) When the women behind the X-Ray tries to confiscate your Klonopin laugh and say, "If you and my brain chemistry battled to death I think you know who'd end up on the six o'clock news."
7) Duty free is for peasants unless you're planning on selling Lucky Strikes for a gross profit to the teenagers down the block.
8) Once you're on line for boarding, take a deep breath. Not only did you shop lift from Hudson News but you managed to clench your cheeks long enough to bypass security with your dead cousin's swiss army knife.
When the national guard comes calling you'll be halfway to Valhalla.
2) If the curbside check-in man asks why your eyes are rolling in the back of your head just say you're allergic to cilantro.
3) When that bitch tries to cut you in the check-in line tell her that her mother is so fat her patronus is a cake.
4) When the check-in bitch tells you you can't fly internationally without a passport just tell her your Uncle Herman fell off a cruise in Sylesia and cremations aren't the kind of thing that you can watch on Netflix.
5) When the security wench is obese say to her, "How dare you mar Jack LaLanne's memory by putting lard in your power juicer."
6) When the women behind the X-Ray tries to confiscate your Klonopin laugh and say, "If you and my brain chemistry battled to death I think you know who'd end up on the six o'clock news."
7) Duty free is for peasants unless you're planning on selling Lucky Strikes for a gross profit to the teenagers down the block.
8) Once you're on line for boarding, take a deep breath. Not only did you shop lift from Hudson News but you managed to clench your cheeks long enough to bypass security with your dead cousin's swiss army knife.
When the national guard comes calling you'll be halfway to Valhalla.
Ode to a Legal Pad
Why don't you tell me who George Bush is. I think he rode the line between nose bleeds and heartbreak for longer than Tolstoy was having an affair with his sister's psychotherapist. But who really knows these days. Because when the phone rings and your coffee is too strong the only thing left to do is exhale and thank god for Cinemax After Dark.
I fell asleep in the sun yesterday. I was on a yacht and had just finished a bushel of grapes when a feeling of pharmaceutical malaise overtook my limbs. A night of slap and shoot meant that my face was still red and my hand was trembling from setting off those fireworks. If you want a mouse why don't you set some traps?
If you want me to dress you in leather and tie you to a majestic pine just bring me a tuna melt.
If you want a memory you'll never forget just call Moviephone.
If you need something I can't give you.
If you want something I don't have.
There's always next year in Jerusalem.
I fell asleep in the sun yesterday. I was on a yacht and had just finished a bushel of grapes when a feeling of pharmaceutical malaise overtook my limbs. A night of slap and shoot meant that my face was still red and my hand was trembling from setting off those fireworks. If you want a mouse why don't you set some traps?
If you want me to dress you in leather and tie you to a majestic pine just bring me a tuna melt.
If you want a memory you'll never forget just call Moviephone.
If you need something I can't give you.
If you want something I don't have.
There's always next year in Jerusalem.
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