1) If your driver isn't wearing orange spectacles then you're shit out of luck.
2) If the curbside check-in man asks why your eyes are rolling in the back of your head just say you're allergic to cilantro.
3) When that bitch tries to cut you in the check-in line tell her that her mother is so fat her patronus is a cake.
4) When the check-in bitch tells you you can't fly internationally without a passport just tell her your Uncle Herman fell off a cruise in Sylesia and cremations aren't the kind of thing that you can watch on Netflix.
5) When the security wench is obese say to her, "How dare you mar Jack LaLanne's memory by putting lard in your power juicer."
6) When the women behind the X-Ray tries to confiscate your Klonopin laugh and say, "If you and my brain chemistry battled to death I think you know who'd end up on the six o'clock news."
7) Duty free is for peasants unless you're planning on selling Lucky Strikes for a gross profit to the teenagers down the block.
8) Once you're on line for boarding, take a deep breath. Not only did you shop lift from Hudson News but you managed to clench your cheeks long enough to bypass security with your dead cousin's swiss army knife.
When the national guard comes calling you'll be halfway to Valhalla.
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