A conversation with my trainer:
Dissociator: I'll show you a beluga whale.
Trainer: Would you please just get on the elliptical.
D: Did you know that an ellipse was an erotic image for the Incas? When an Inca man wanted to seduce his neighbor's wife he painted an ellipse on the small of his back and plastered his chest with hay.
T: Okay.
D: Are you looking for a ride to hell? Because I'll give you one. I'll take you straight to the gulags you peasant filth. But really, I know you think the food at Citi Field is overpriced. And you might be right.
T: The line at Shake Shack is always so long.
D: Why are you eating a hamburger fatty? You're supposed to make me an anorexic whore. Lead by example. Once I ran into Hitler's granddaughter and she told me that I was handsome.
T: I thought you were Jewish.
D: No I just enjoy whitefish salad. What's your excuse? I'm going to throw a dumbbell at your head if you don't get on your knees and draw an elephant on my hip flexor.
T: The dumbbells are in the other room.
D: How do you feel about female genital mutilation?
T: You don't have to get on the elliptical. Why don't we do some crunches?
D: I'll show you captain crunch. Once I filled a pool with rice krispies and shoved my friend Joe in. He had to eat his way out.
T: Get on the ground.
D: I'll get on your ground.
T: What does that mean.
D: It means buy me a milkshake or I'll sue you for copyright infringement.
T: What flavor?
D: Avocado.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Bathing in Windex
Let the ammonia seep into your clogged veins. If you like saying cunt then let it fly because at the end of the day a pork chop is a pork chop. And speaking of your Valium addiction, if you think I'm going to buy you a best buy gift card then you might as well invest in a Segway.
I'd be lying if I told you I was colorblind; If I were a dessert I would be a tart key lime pie. I'm not that innocent. My problem is this: when all there's left to do is polish the pirrhana your dad bought you on his "business trip" to Columbia, you might as well buy stock in a Chinese cigarette company.
To be a bonobo.
I'd be lying if I told you I was colorblind; If I were a dessert I would be a tart key lime pie. I'm not that innocent. My problem is this: when all there's left to do is polish the pirrhana your dad bought you on his "business trip" to Columbia, you might as well buy stock in a Chinese cigarette company.
To be a bonobo.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Checklist for Airports
1) If your driver isn't wearing orange spectacles then you're shit out of luck.
2) If the curbside check-in man asks why your eyes are rolling in the back of your head just say you're allergic to cilantro.
3) When that bitch tries to cut you in the check-in line tell her that her mother is so fat her patronus is a cake.
4) When the check-in bitch tells you you can't fly internationally without a passport just tell her your Uncle Herman fell off a cruise in Sylesia and cremations aren't the kind of thing that you can watch on Netflix.
5) When the security wench is obese say to her, "How dare you mar Jack LaLanne's memory by putting lard in your power juicer."
6) When the women behind the X-Ray tries to confiscate your Klonopin laugh and say, "If you and my brain chemistry battled to death I think you know who'd end up on the six o'clock news."
7) Duty free is for peasants unless you're planning on selling Lucky Strikes for a gross profit to the teenagers down the block.
8) Once you're on line for boarding, take a deep breath. Not only did you shop lift from Hudson News but you managed to clench your cheeks long enough to bypass security with your dead cousin's swiss army knife.
When the national guard comes calling you'll be halfway to Valhalla.
2) If the curbside check-in man asks why your eyes are rolling in the back of your head just say you're allergic to cilantro.
3) When that bitch tries to cut you in the check-in line tell her that her mother is so fat her patronus is a cake.
4) When the check-in bitch tells you you can't fly internationally without a passport just tell her your Uncle Herman fell off a cruise in Sylesia and cremations aren't the kind of thing that you can watch on Netflix.
5) When the security wench is obese say to her, "How dare you mar Jack LaLanne's memory by putting lard in your power juicer."
6) When the women behind the X-Ray tries to confiscate your Klonopin laugh and say, "If you and my brain chemistry battled to death I think you know who'd end up on the six o'clock news."
7) Duty free is for peasants unless you're planning on selling Lucky Strikes for a gross profit to the teenagers down the block.
8) Once you're on line for boarding, take a deep breath. Not only did you shop lift from Hudson News but you managed to clench your cheeks long enough to bypass security with your dead cousin's swiss army knife.
When the national guard comes calling you'll be halfway to Valhalla.
Ode to a Legal Pad
Why don't you tell me who George Bush is. I think he rode the line between nose bleeds and heartbreak for longer than Tolstoy was having an affair with his sister's psychotherapist. But who really knows these days. Because when the phone rings and your coffee is too strong the only thing left to do is exhale and thank god for Cinemax After Dark.
I fell asleep in the sun yesterday. I was on a yacht and had just finished a bushel of grapes when a feeling of pharmaceutical malaise overtook my limbs. A night of slap and shoot meant that my face was still red and my hand was trembling from setting off those fireworks. If you want a mouse why don't you set some traps?
If you want me to dress you in leather and tie you to a majestic pine just bring me a tuna melt.
If you want a memory you'll never forget just call Moviephone.
If you need something I can't give you.
If you want something I don't have.
There's always next year in Jerusalem.
I fell asleep in the sun yesterday. I was on a yacht and had just finished a bushel of grapes when a feeling of pharmaceutical malaise overtook my limbs. A night of slap and shoot meant that my face was still red and my hand was trembling from setting off those fireworks. If you want a mouse why don't you set some traps?
If you want me to dress you in leather and tie you to a majestic pine just bring me a tuna melt.
If you want a memory you'll never forget just call Moviephone.
If you need something I can't give you.
If you want something I don't have.
There's always next year in Jerusalem.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Past/Future
he looked up // and in the sky there was a wounded dove // and as the white excrement fell on his face // he exhaled and remembered the ice pick
Life in Zamunda
This one time I found a chandelier in a garage that was caked in Aunt Jemima's maple syrup. Next to the chandelier was a feral cat that started growling at me. Caught off guard, I reached down and tightened my boot straps, ready to turn the cat into granny cindy's next meal. Next thing I know I'm face up on a flatbed truck halfway to Nova Scotia. When life gives you lemons, make a papier-mâché bonnet.
What's in a name
If your name was Jocelyn VonHildegard McTrier would you ride in the back of a gypsy cab or would you make a beeline away from that feline? Would you feel bad if you were allergic to gluten and every time you had a beer with the fellas you ended up wetting the bed? Do you even know what it's like to love? Didn't think so.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Passéism of Ovaries
S
C
A ---------------------------------------------->>>>
L
P
E
L
(((((O-P-E-N Pandora’s [BOX]
Surgeon flesh blood icy ether breeeeeathe
Prostrate, blue, pumping, potential about to be gone
Column printing navigation Marco not Polo
Ovaries golden ratio board Noah’s
ARRRK
Wretched production stop estrogen fur borders
Traverse vein fallopian excellence penetrate spacing
Hail motor 17,888 X RHYTHM replace lethargy
Slice prison reach locus circumscribe failure
Darwin body erase bullets toolbox calculation
S S S S SSSSUCTION + WIIII-----IIIIDE awake.
= INSTANT INHALATION
Dépêcher memory shock therapy grease cogs
Polo not Marco thread artery kit sew -- nrut chtiws
VRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOM
C
A ---------------------------------------------->>>>
L
P
E
L
(((((O-P-E-N Pandora’s [BOX]
Surgeon flesh blood icy ether breeeeeathe
Prostrate, blue, pumping, potential about to be gone
Column printing navigation Marco not Polo
Ovaries golden ratio board Noah’s
ARRRK
Wretched production stop estrogen fur borders
Traverse vein fallopian excellence penetrate spacing
Hail motor 17,888 X RHYTHM replace lethargy
Slice prison reach locus circumscribe failure
Darwin body erase bullets toolbox calculation
S S S S SSSSUCTION + WIIII-----IIIIDE awake.
= INSTANT INHALATION
Dépêcher memory shock therapy grease cogs
Polo not Marco thread artery kit sew -- nrut chtiws
VRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOM
Mammary Manifesto
"This morning I woke up with a stuffy nose and a bad attitude. The country of Italy has been sharting on my parade lately. I find myself one week into my second semester with no cell phone and a looming research paper. Hopefully by now youve heard of or seen Martin, the emotiinal egg that i created and then destroyed. My next project is to demystify the appeal of breasts. What is so attractive about two fatty deposits punctuated by nipples? Being the emotionally educated, satan worshipping and food detesting individual that you are I thought you could help me with the answer to this question. Or at the very least give me a horrifyingly brilliant quote for my otherwise emotionless paper. Ive heard of your windeXcapades and find them to be enthralling. True definitions of insanity.
Anyways hope youre spreading the religion of emotion FAR and WIDE"
Sumptuously Nutty
Have you ever been impaled by the tusk of a narwhal? Do you know what it's like to drive an eighteen wheeler on ketamine? Because if you do we all wanna know the meaning of life.
Do You Know What It's Like
To drink Cristal in a sauna naked? Because I do and it's comparable to battling a Bengali lion with only a twig and spermicide.
Sexting for Dummies Part 4
P: I think you have enough inspiration for a book deal, or at least a blog
D: How about I tie you to a large bonzai and paint you with gold leaf
D: Do you want some gumballs? Because I have quarters I wanna get rid of
D: I bet you know what it's like to have a near death encounter with a bengali tiger
Sexting for Dummies Part 3
D: Have you ever watched the discovery channel naked while eating camembert
D: Because the bad touch won a grammy
D: I'll show you the back of a dry cleaners where they mix the chemicals
D: Because that's where they keep the cellophane
D: Playful waterboarding.
D: Only champagne will take the place of water and I'll put you in the trunk of a suburban
D: Or a rickshaw
D: But if you wanna go spelunking in the burmese jungle I'm d
D: Because the bad touch won a grammy
D: I'll show you the back of a dry cleaners where they mix the chemicals
D: Because that's where they keep the cellophane
D: Playful waterboarding.
D: Only champagne will take the place of water and I'll put you in the trunk of a suburban
D: Or a rickshaw
D: But if you wanna go spelunking in the burmese jungle I'm d
Sexting for Dummies Part 2
D: I'm gonna buy you a chewbacca mask and douse you in powdered sugar
D: And then put you in the trunk of a range rover and drive to tijuana
D: And then maybe you can pick some jalapenos from the fields and make fresh salsa
D: Because who doesn't like farm to table
D: I have a black fire extinguisher in the trunk just in case you were wondering
D: It's right next to the taser
D: Because a red fire extinguisher would be too conspicuous with the black calfskin interior
Sexting for Dummies
Dissociator : Do you have an SUV?
Person: Nope
D: That's really too bad
P: Sorry :-(
D: Because if you did
P: I can't drive
D: Well any type of license wouldn't permit you to do the things I want to do to you
P: (Thumbs up emoticon)
D: Thumbs up to fucking on the dashboard
D: Asshole
D: Not to mention the jump seat
D: Or a helicopter
D: Because I would horrify you
D: I would wrap you in gauze and drench you in gran marnier. And then I would unwrap you and lick the liqueur off your naked body in small counter-clockwise circles.
P: I only do that in helicopters
D: There's a reason they call it the cockpit
D: Can you conceptualize a kitchen counter rendezvous
D: Because I can
D: Marble
D: Or granite
D: I'm honestly down for either
D: As long as you coat me in vanilla shortening and molasses
D: The hood of my car is sturdy
D: Just fyi
D: Because honestly I have a taser
D: Do you wanna be tased
D: Because I'll give you about 5000 volts
D: Where you want it most
D: And we both know where that is
D: And then we'll get waxed
D: Or some erotic laser hair removal
Person: Nope
D: That's really too bad
P: Sorry :-(
D: Because if you did
P: I can't drive
D: Well any type of license wouldn't permit you to do the things I want to do to you
P: (Thumbs up emoticon)
D: Thumbs up to fucking on the dashboard
D: Asshole
D: Not to mention the jump seat
D: Or a helicopter
D: Because I would horrify you
D: I would wrap you in gauze and drench you in gran marnier. And then I would unwrap you and lick the liqueur off your naked body in small counter-clockwise circles.
P: I only do that in helicopters
D: There's a reason they call it the cockpit
D: Can you conceptualize a kitchen counter rendezvous
D: Because I can
D: Marble
D: Or granite
D: I'm honestly down for either
D: As long as you coat me in vanilla shortening and molasses
D: The hood of my car is sturdy
D: Just fyi
D: Because honestly I have a taser
D: Do you wanna be tased
D: Because I'll give you about 5000 volts
D: Where you want it most
D: And we both know where that is
D: And then we'll get waxed
D: Or some erotic laser hair removal
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