Past/Future

he looked up // and in the sky there was a wounded dove // and as the white excrement fell on his face // he exhaled and remembered the ice pick 

Life in Zamunda

This one time I found a chandelier in a garage that was caked in Aunt Jemima's maple syrup. Next to the chandelier was a feral cat that started growling at me. Caught off guard, I reached down and tightened my boot straps, ready to turn the cat into granny cindy's next meal. Next thing I know I'm face up on a flatbed truck halfway to Nova Scotia. When life gives you lemons, make a papier-mâché bonnet.

What's in a name

If your name was Jocelyn VonHildegard McTrier would you ride in the back of a gypsy cab or would you make a beeline away from that feline? Would you feel bad if you were allergic to gluten and every time you had a beer with the fellas you ended up wetting the bed? Do you even know what it's like to love? Didn't think so.

Passéism of Ovaries

S
C
A ---------------------------------------------->>>>
L
P
E
L

(((((O-P-E-N Pandora’s [BOX]

Surgeon flesh blood icy ether breeeeeathe
Prostrate, blue, pumping, potential about to be gone
Column printing navigation Marco not Polo
Ovaries golden ratio board Noah’s
ARRRK
Wretched production stop estrogen fur borders
Traverse vein fallopian excellence penetrate spacing
Hail motor 17,888 X RHYTHM replace lethargy
Slice prison reach locus circumscribe failure
Darwin body erase bullets toolbox calculation
S S S S SSSSUCTION + WIIII-----IIIIDE awake.
= INSTANT INHALATION
Dépêcher memory shock therapy grease cogs
Polo not Marco thread artery kit sew -- nrut chtiws

VRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOM

Mammary Manifesto

"This morning I woke up with a stuffy nose and a bad attitude. The country of Italy has been sharting on my parade lately. I find myself one week into my second semester with no cell phone and a looming research paper. Hopefully by now youve heard of or seen Martin, the emotiinal egg that i created and then destroyed. My next project is to demystify the appeal of breasts. What is so attractive about two fatty deposits punctuated by nipples? Being the emotionally educated, satan worshipping and food detesting individual that you are I thought you could help me with the answer to this question. Or at the very least give me a horrifyingly brilliant quote for my otherwise emotionless paper. Ive heard of your windeXcapades and find them to be enthralling. True definitions of insanity. 

Anyways hope youre spreading the religion of emotion FAR and WIDE"

Enigma

Sumptuously Nutty

Have you ever been impaled by the tusk of a narwhal? Do you know what it's like to drive an eighteen wheeler on ketamine? Because if you do we all wanna know the meaning of life.

I'll show you a rocking chair

Do You Know What It's Like

To drink Cristal in a sauna naked? Because I do and it's comparable to battling a Bengali lion with only a twig and spermicide.

Sexting for Dummies Part 4

P: I think you have enough inspiration for a book deal, or at least a blog
D: How about I tie you to a large bonzai and paint you with gold leaf
D: Do you want some gumballs? Because I have quarters I wanna get rid of 
D: I bet you know what it's like to have a near death encounter with a bengali tiger 

Sexting for Dummies Part 3

D: Have you ever watched the discovery channel naked while eating camembert
D: Because the bad touch won a grammy
D: I'll show you the back of a dry cleaners where they mix the chemicals
D: Because that's where they keep the cellophane
D: Playful waterboarding.
D: Only champagne will take the place of water and I'll put you in the trunk of a suburban
D: Or a rickshaw
D: But if you wanna go spelunking in the burmese jungle I'm d

Sexting for Dummies Part 2

D: I'm gonna buy you a chewbacca mask and douse you in powdered sugar
D: And then put you in the trunk of a range rover and drive to tijuana
D: And then maybe you can pick some jalapenos from the fields and make fresh salsa
D: Because who doesn't like farm to table
D: I have a black fire extinguisher in the trunk just in case you were wondering
D: It's right next to the taser
D: Because a red fire extinguisher would be too conspicuous with the black calfskin interior

Sexting for Dummies

Dissociator : Do you have an SUV?
Person: Nope
D: That's really too bad
P: Sorry :-(
D: Because if you did
P: I can't drive
D: Well any type of license wouldn't permit you to do the things I want to do to you
P: (Thumbs up emoticon)
D: Thumbs up to fucking on the dashboard
D: Asshole
D: Not to mention the jump seat
D: Or a helicopter
D: Because I would horrify you
D: I would wrap you in gauze and drench you in gran marnier. And then I would unwrap you and lick the liqueur off your naked body in small counter-clockwise circles.
P: I only do that in helicopters
D: There's a reason they call it the cockpit
D: Can you conceptualize a kitchen counter rendezvous
D: Because I can
D: Marble
D: Or granite
D: I'm honestly down for either
D: As long as you coat me in vanilla shortening and molasses
D: The hood of my car is sturdy
D: Just fyi
D: Because honestly I have a taser
D: Do you wanna be tased
D: Because I'll give you about 5000 volts
D: Where you want it most
D: And we both know where that is
D: And then we'll get waxed
D: Or some erotic laser hair removal